September 12, 2007 - Wednesday - from myspace

September 12, 2007 - Wednesday

2:39 AM - Iridology, herbs, vegetarian diet..real or what? Current mood: sleepy Category: PAIN!!!!!!! Blogging Recently found out my aunt is a follower and firm believer in Sonyini Ayan: ( Dr. Soyini Ayan, ND (Certified Iridologist, Herbalist, Reflexoligist, Author, Counselor & Ordained Minister) specializing in dietary & herbal plans.) She so believes in this practice, that she has gotten her certificate in iridology herself as well as one of her daughters. She has practiced this for two years and has introduced the technique to all that will listen (iridology (also known as iridodiagnosis[1]) is an alternative medicine technique whose proponents believe that patterns, colors, and other characteristics of the irissystemic health. Practitioners match their observations to iris charts which divide the iris into zones which they correspond to specific parts of the human body. Iridologists see the eyes as "windows" into the body's state of health.) I was very skeptical of this "alternative medicine" but having nothing else to lose, agreed to see this woman. She knew only that I had colitis, as my aunt had told her earlier. I brought all my medicines and a list of my ailments as I was so instructed and sat down for my reading. I decided to tell Dr Ayan of nothing just to see what she would say. She ended up telling me everything that was wrong with me and that I was being treated for. Things I had not even told my aunt Still skeptical, I asked her to read Taylor, the 8 year old. She knew only that he had migraines at times. She also then diagnosed him with all his doctors had said. Although not mentioned that he might have a brain tumor, as is suspected, she spoke on all the symptoms he is having. At this point I just gave in She put me and Taylor on a 90 day treatment of which is very different for each of us, as is with each person she sees. Myself, I am to eat only raw veggies and fruit for 10 days. Then raw and cooked veggies and fruit for 14 days. The next 30 days is the same with fish added. The following the same with chicken added. I am to cut out all sugar, caffeine, dairy, beef, pork wheat and whey. This is to continue even after the 90 days. Its to be my new lifestyle. During the 90 days I am taking different herbs, liguid as well as pills. Most of it is totally disqusting and I feel I am starving to death as their is very little anything I like raw As I stated in a previous post, I stopped taking the prednisone about mid June. The longest I have been off the steroids in the last 6 years has been about 3 months. To date, I have had days of vomiting, diarrhea and pain so bad I still pray for death. Yet they are mixed with more good days and I am not as severly ill when it does happen as I usually am Now this might be just plain will power, the power of the mind over the body. After all, my brother should have died 3 years ago now from glioblastoma and he is still here. He is considered a medical miracle now and if you ask him, he does not have cancer at all anymore and will live a full life for many years to come. Although the average person lives only 12-18 months after diagnoses. My brother has been here 4 years this November. He changed his diet to similiar as this and started taking different herbs and things. He is also a very positive thinking man and lived most his cancer treatment in denial of having it I tried positive thinking and just plain denial but after having no skin on my butt from spending 7+ hours a day on the toilet and cursing God for just not taking my life, I had to face reality. So I am trying this herbal thing. Like I said, I am not 100% believing it but something is going on here.' can be examined to determine information about a patient's So anyway, I started on the treatment before I saw Dr Ayan but once I saw her, she "read" me and gave me specific diet and herbs to take. Which I will write out tomorrow cause I am sleepy haha. I just started the 90 plan sept. 9. I will trying to keep you updated of anything that happens, or hopefully doesnt happen hahaa But man THIS SUCKS! Everyone else eating pizza, last days of barbq and i am eating a banana. If it heals the chrons, colitis, fibromyalgia, athritis, asthma, tactacardia, ostioperosis and all the other crap going on, I gotta try it right? www.pumupthebass.com

August 27, 2007 - Monday - from myspace

August 27, 2007 - Monday

1:54 PM - Kids went back to school today! Current mood: sore Category: Blogging I was so worried for them but they all were excited and seemed excited to go back and see their friends and meet their new teachers. Terry didnt cry this morning but that might be because anthony took today off incase anything happened. The peace is deafening! I am thinking school should go year round hahaha. I cant wait for them to get home and hear how things went. I do know I will be enjoying my mornings once again. It will be great to have a couple of hours a day to actually finish a task and get something done AJ, 10th, Tyler 4th and Taylor in 3rd this year. I pray that mine have a great school year and am praying for yours too! www.pumpupthebass.com

August 16, 2007 - Thursday - from myspace

August 16, 2007 - Thursday

11:01 PM - If not for my family, I would have killed myself Current mood: sleepy Category: Blogging AT&T , after 12 years, and although I am still on state disability has denied my claim for further benefits.So after not having any monetary or medical benefits from at&t since April 1 of this year, they call me two days ago to say that they believe I am well enough to work and will not continue my benefits again. If I want to pursue it further I need to get an attorney and sue them My first thought was let me go OD on something and kill myself. My second thought was we have no life insurance and anthony will be mad if he has to pay for my funeral on top of all that he will have to do when I am gone. So I sat a minute, cried a minute and decided to worry about it later I realized that with my uncle and aunt now in my life, I truly have a real family. Both of them drive, love us very much and make several trips a week to visit and always call. My uncle will stay for days if we need him to My girlfriend Tricia, has reminded me that no matter how I feel and no matter what fights she and I have (no matter which of us started it), we are real sisters. Blood or not, she is the sister the Lord blessed me with and it truly is til death My gf Jan, from Aussie, called me at home a few weeks ago. I have known her years and we talked on the phone just as we do on the pc. Just as if we spoke not 24 hours ago. I have never laid eyes on this woman and I love her just as I do Tricia My mom, my E-MOM, as my friend Mickey would say, has shown me and tells me daily, how much she loves us all. She went shopping with her daughter the other day, saw a coffee mug and said she thought I would like it. She mailed it to me and I had no idea this was all going on. Inside she put a little note that said what I just stated and that she loved me like her OWN DAUGHTER regardless if I was her blood or not. My baby sister, Angie (no blood relation either), sent a HUGE box of things for everyone in our house. She saved her money, got deals on socks and shirts and things and shipped it out. The only other person that has ever done that was my e-mom. These people are my family. I thought I was alone because I have no one I can touch, no one to call, no one in my blood family to call a friend. Well, my little brother of course, is there. That is it. I always thought it wasnt enough based on others peoples lives Now I see. When I held those pills in my hands I did not think of the woman that gave birth to me. Who no longer even speaks to me. I didnt think of the sisters that do not call me or come to my house or call my kids. I did not think of the niece that tells me one day she wants me to raise her children if something were to happen and the next I am not even allowed to see them. No, I thought of none of these people. I thought how Tricia would cry. I thought how mad Jan would be at me. I thought how much my mom would be hurt. I thought how badly I would dissapoint my aunt and uncle. I thought about the brother that I would leave behind who only has me to confide in so often. I thought of their children , of whom I know more about then my own blood. I thought how can I do this? How can I hurt the people that love me? How can I hurt MY FAMILY? I put the pills down, I turned on the music and did my 3p show. I danced with Terry. I laughed with Tyler. I yelled at AJ. I played Taylors requests. I answered Tricias text messages. I emailed Jan and my mom. I called my aunt and my uncle. God gave me a family. My family has saved my life. Yes. If it was not for my family. I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF

July 23, 2007 - Monday - from myspace

July 23, 2007 - Monday

11:14 PM - UGH! The pain :( Current mood: stressed Category: Blogging I decided to wean myself off the steroids a couple of weeks ago after being so swollen I spent two days doing nothing but crying. Not really thinking of what I would go through once I was off of them, just knowing that the pain of being on them was just getting to be too much to deal with Now that the steroids are out of my system it seems, there is an entirely new pain. The pain of my back is so severe I can barely walk. My hip feels like someone took a sledge hammer to it and my knee will hardly bend most days. I forgot how the prednisone help keep that pain to a bearable whine. Now I am in full fledge tears once again To top it off, without the prednisone, I am now spending much more time on the toilet again. Also if I am not puking, I am just praying to puke and get it over with so I can feel a little relief. I know its just a matter of time before the colitis is so out of control I am forced back to the prednisone but now I am wondering will I even make it that long. The pain from the fibromyalgia has me dreaming about dying every time I close my eyes now. My fms is in full flare and I know its because my colitis is becoming unmanagle again and its taking my entire body through something awful If I try to stay positive and think it will get better, just keep those thoughts away, I then dream of my kids dying or just random people I know or dont know dying. I then think they are gone and what peace they must now feel. Only to realize that its just me dying and longing for peace, just in another form in my own dreams. My uncle says that angels are being put in his path. He knows that it was meant for us to spend so much time together lately so that our families might once again merge and help each other. He calls me one of his angels. Is he mad? His wife is now into something type of herbal healing and swears that she can help me. The minute she gets back into town she will put me on yet another diet with herbs and I will be healed. She believes this with all her heart and she is one of the few people I have met in my life to love me only for me. Just because I breathe I so want to believe something will work but when I think of all the years of this pain and how this pain can bring even me to praying not to wake up the next day, I start to lose hope. Yet I know to lose hope is a living death in itself Myself and my family still have no benefits. I got the results from Taylors MRI last year to read it myself and it did indeed state that he has a 3mm lesion on his brain that could be cancer. It was seen on multiple frames of his MRI scan yet the speciliast said that he saw nothing. I thought that was such a blessing until I watched Sicko. I saw the very same thing happen to those people and two of them are now dead. Today Taylor suffered another bout of migraines and vomiting. With no insurance there isnt much we can do. If we take him to the emergency room, all we will end up with is a huge bill and a referral to a specialist. Which we can not see because we dont have insurance I looked into this crap that Bush has provided for our children. The no child left behind bs. OMG. I have to sell my soul just to get the kids coverered and it doesnt appear that even their basic medical needs will be coverered. Their allergy and ashtma medican, physicals...sigh My physical pain is one which has brought me to my knees. Yet the emotional pain of watching my child suffer, knowing that their future is so bleek and dim, is a pain that I am finding just too hard to deal with. I just dont want to wake up I am now wondering why I am to suffer. I thought it was so that I might become stronger and be that angel that my uncle speaks of. Now I just think evil runs rampant on this earth and I am just one of those that God has let the devil have. I was born unloved. I was born into misery. I have spent all my life seaking love and now that I have it, am I to now die alone? With no one truly knowing my pain. With no one truly knowing my love. GOD I WILL DIE FOR YOU! I will die for so that my children can live. I will die for peace in this world. I will die to end hunger, prejudice, pain. I have suffered a life time but you make it seem so invain. What do you want? How much longer must I suffer? The pain...the pain....the pain

June 26, 2007 - Tuesday - from myspace

June 26, 2007 - Tuesday

1:32 AM - Is it really so phucking hard? Current mood: sleepy Anthony and I were talking about something the other night and ended up talking about how selfish people really are. That most people see their world as their immediate family, their own close friends and thats pretty much it really No one gives a crap about the neighbor across the street that used to be on the porch all the time being nosey anymore. No one bothers to go over and see why she is no longer there. Maybe offer her something to eat or offer to do her laundry or something since she has been too ill No one stops for the womans whos car has stopped anymore. They are in too much of a hurry trying to get home to get online or watch tv or play their 360. Even though that woman might now be late picking up her kid from school and her 6 year old is standing there afraid with his teacher wondering where mommy is and if she is ok No one cares about the child down the street wearing just a diaper. They only talk crap about that is what is wearing not wondering if that is because his dad was too ill to do his clothes this week. Or is something has happened to his mom No one cares that a girl has died from gang crossfire. They only care that its not on their block, it wasnt their child and it's just one less person in the world to get in their way No one cares anymore. Or did they ever? Is it really so phucking hard to just care? Honestly, is it? Or are some people just that stupid and ignorant? Imagine John Lennon Imagine there's no heaven It's easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky Imagine all the people Living for today... Imagine there's no countries It isn't hard to do Nothing to kill or die for And no religion too Imagine all the people Living life in peace... You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us And the world will be as one Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can No need for greed or hunger A brotherhood of man Imagine all the people Sharing all the world... You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us And the world will live as one

June 25, 2007 - Monday - from myspace

June 25, 2007 - Monday

1:26 AM - To be able to cum from just a kiss Current mood: sleepy Category: Blogging This mothersday was just wonderful! Aj cooked me breakfast and it was really good. Tyler and Taylor had made some things at school and actually kept it a secret until that day. They were so very precious! For the first time since I have known Anthony, he actually bought me a thought out gift. He bought me some perfumes, nail polish, soaps and other girlie stuff IN A GIFT BAG no less. This really meant so much to me as I had been talking for awhile about missing basic girl stuff. Like I used to not leave the house without eyeliner or soemthing on my face. I used to do the entire face, moisturizer and all each night. I used to polish my nails at least once a week. I was never a prissy type girl, but I have always been a real girl ya know For him to notice this comment the maybe 2 times I mentioned it just really caught me off guard! It took him 2 hours to find just what to get me in the stores. Although he got some things I absolutely hate, I would never tell him that hehe. It was the point that he did it. I know I might joke about Anthony often. I mean, there are things that we get into about it and all that ya know. Yet we have been married almost 20 years and have 4 kids with each other. So I guess we got enough in common and can deal with each others shortcomings more then we thought I also found out the main thing that I THINK keeps a couple together. I can still kiss Anthony and become soaking wet. He can still put his arms around me and, for that moment, I know that everything is ok. He can look at our kids and smile and I see his chest rise with pride as only their father could do. There is a couple I met online that is so similiar to myself and Anthony I just fell inlove with them both. I cant mention their names cause they are so paranoid, haha, but she is a southern bell and moved to an entirely different country to be with him. She told me once "he is the best thing that ever happened to me". I had met her husband first and already loved him. Once she said that, I fell inlove with her too. They are the cutest thing you ever want to see and make me remember how important unconditional love is. I often say when I divorce Anthony blah blah blah blah. Yet he loves me now that I have gained 100lbs, have no hair and teeth and a crying mess half the time. He can still cum from a kiss. If that is not love I dont know what is I pray my kids know the type of love we have and I hope everyone experiences it at least once in their life. Remember, a wise man once said when asked how do you know when you should marry someone.. "you find someone whos shit you can put up with and can put up with yours, that is your wife". The wise man was my oldest brother and that was his advice to my youngest brother when he was asked. That is the only advice I ever heard he gave that made sense lol! Yet it works Well, that was my mothers day. It was great. Will get pics posted soon! cya

from myspace

11:47 PM - Can not take the silence!
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Blogging

You ever feel that if you just sat too still and let it get just too quiet you would be forced to think just too much and have to deal with it all? That in that stillness your mind would crack?

I have been feeling that way lately. I just can not let anything get too quiet and allow my mind to actually think about any fully. Then I will have to confront reality and I just dont think I can

What I would do is leave the TV loud when possible, just low enough that I can hear the kids to be sure they are ok. At night is no problem with Anthony snoring like a tornado is over my head. During the day I would play music, whether I am DJing or not. I would just play and play and play.

Now so much is at a head, I am almost being forced to deal with it all and I just really dont want to. Yet there is no where to turn. I tried turning the music up as loud as it would go but then I become so one with the music, the tears just stream. I never knew that, even in a head banging rock song, your spirit can be so moved that it speaks

My mother has disowned me over an email where I confronted her with the past which. She is so eager to "leave the past in the past" and feels everyone should be so forgiving, yet she treats my children like trash. I was very content to, again, just pretend the woman was dead I have much of my life. The three youngest think nothing of her as she has made no effort all of their lives to acknowledge their existence. But Aj, he is 15 now. He says this woman had sent him yet another card that started off great, and as usual, went to things like "I hope you stop being so lazy" or something. He recieved the card right before Easter, and says that she didnt say Happy Easter to him or invite him over for easter.

He goes on to say that Tyler and Taylor can now read and she sent them nothing. Like they are dead. It just totally broke him down to know that Terry is pure love and joy and his grandmother has never even asked how he was.

I have never let my children know that I dislike their grandmother. I love her as I have not found a way not to yet. I have never liked her as a person as most that get to know her well. Yet for my children to feel such pain. I dont know how to manage it. I just wish it was a way for her to just dissapear and cause them no more pain

I told my son not to worry as he had plenty of other people that loved him. My son went on and on about the 15 years of his life and how his grandmother treated him so differently from the other grandkids. Citing one incodent after another. I tried to confort him and tell him that people are just as they are. You have to accept the good with the bad.

AJ looked at me and I knew exactly what he was feeling. He was feeling that same pain I did when I was 11 and I realized that all the times she told me she wished I was dead, she really meant it. That that woman didnt care about me from birth, as she stated so many times. Now continues the pain to my children

I felt so bad for him. I told him to just forget her and concentrate on the rest of the family. His aunt, uncles and cousins. He made a great effort to have a relationship with them yet the only one that cared about him was one cousin. Joe has always loved them. He was the only one in my family excited about Terry. He was there right after, if not when, I brought every child home. He has been my brother from birth.

I told AJ that was enough. That Darius and Joe were enough, some people didnt have that. He seemed very happy until Carla broke yet another promise to him. My son cried like an infant. It was the first time I had seen him cry that long and hard and hurt since he was about 2 years old. To watch my 6 2, 350lb son cry like an infant ripped my heart out. To think about it even now brings instand tears to my cheecks

This just really is weird to me as my children are as I am. As my brother Joe says "Dee is one special mother phucka. She is always thinking of someone else" TRUST me I wish I were not like this, I have tried not to be. Not only was I cursed with such love, I passed it to my children. I thought it was what He wanted. I felt that was what He was telling me to do since I was 3 years old. Love the world. Be ready to give my life for others as He gave his life for me

Now because I am what I am, my children are too. They so love the world. They, as I, dont understand arguing with no point to it, fighting, war, hate, true angry, evil. These are things my children just do not comprehend. Even AJ at 15 years old. At once I thought life had beaten out of him all that God had made him. I watched him go from laying hands and praying for someone with a cold to trying to kill a kitten. In his soul, in his heart, my love is not enough any longer. His dads love is not enough. He cant understand why the WORLD does not love him. I had no answer for my baby

I just can not deal with that family crap any more. So I drown it out into the music. Into the the tv. Into the noise. This was great for awhile until it just wasnt enough. It just was no longer enough

Now everything seems to just be too much. I can deal with myself. Its just when the children are involved, I just can not manage it. I dont know how to stop their pain. As any true parent, I would die for them. I would sell my soul for their happiness and well being. God entrusted me with them and I feel I am letting Him down and letting them down

The music is no longer enough. No insurance, no money, bad health, losing friends and family...all was ok. My kids not happy, my kids not having basic things they need, my kids loving people that dont give a crap about them, my kids not being able to get medical attention, my kids being old enough to know they are poor, my kids looking at me for answers as to "why me".

The music is just not loud enough. The tv is not enough. Nothing breaks this silence. The silence where my heart breaks. The silence, it is so deafening! Please dear Father, bring me peace. I can not take the silence any longer. I am losing my mind. I would die for my children just as you died for yours. I would die for any of your children on this earth. You know this. Please stop the silence. Just stop it

May 11, 2007 - Friday - from myspace

May 11, 2007 - Friday

2:15 PM - Can you truly be friends with someone you never actually met in person? I have always believed you could be. I have friends online I met in 94 and we are still friends to this day. Yet, I find that its so very hard to understand each other when you just communicate on the internet only. Like, sometimes someone might ask me something. I am in the middle of something so I just answer and go back to what I am doing. Because I didnt type out some LONG answer or put some HAHAs or LOLs in there, they now think that I am upset. That can be no further from the truth. Yet if we were face to face or even on the phone they could see that. Then know when I type like that, what I truly mean This happens to me from others also. Especially my foreign friends. So how can one truly know each other without spending hours and years together online? I do believe that some I have NEVER met know me better then myself at times. Yet there are some that I might idle in same channel on IRC for 5 years , but our schedules dont allow constant banter. So although yes , I can say I knew this person 5 years, we really dont know each other I wonder...can you TRULY be real friends with someone you never actualy met irl, hmmm cya

May 9, 2007 - Wednesday - from myspace

May 9, 2007 - Wednesday

8:00 AM - The day my world almost ended Current mood: sleepy Category: Blogging The other day I noticed that I hadnt recieved my monthly disability check from my old empoyer. So I called and left a message to find out what happened. As I never missed a check in 12 years Yesterday a woman called back to say that my benefits had been terminated. That the medical information they had recieved shows that I am able to seek employment elsewhere. This meant that my medical insurance was cancelled for me, and my entired family. This meant that my monthly check was not coming. This meant that as of April 1 we were going without any benefits at all and had no idea of the situation I had been recieving more bills then usual but I thought it was just some problem with insurance. As I had blue cross and medicare. I was staring at my $3,000 bill for my last rimacade treatment wondering what was going to happen now. Along with all the endless doctors bills. My prescriptions are over $7,000 a month and most are now covered by medicare. Yet it does no good if I cant see a doctor to prescribe me any. I started to think how could this happen. Each of my doctors had told AT&T several times that I was unable to work, I saw the documents myself. I even saw their independent doctor who first said that he didnt understand why they would even send me to him with the information they already had. Then once he looked at the medication I was taking, he said that alone showed that my ailments were severe enough for me not to work. He stated that he didnt see how I could ever work with my heart alone. My resting heart rate is 110 or more. As soon as I excert myself, I risk heart attack or stroke All I could think of was this time last year when this woman at AT&T first started harrassing me. She said that AT&T had taken over Ameritech, she was my new disability case manager and she would be sure that my benefits were terminated as she felt that I didnt deserve it. SHE felt this, not the company. She is not medical personell and she is a hired contractor by AT&T whos ONLY job is to try to get as many people off disability as possible. It took her a year, but she legally managed to do it So now we will be missing $550 a month plus medical benefits for the entire family. Right now I have no idea how we will pay our remaining bills for May or even how we will buy groceries this week. After this hit me yesterday, I did nothing but cry. I cried so long and so hard I think I blacked out. My brother was here and I thank God he was. If he was not here to care for the kids, they wouldve been on their own. I had totally blanked out and lost hours of time. I was already going to the bathroom up to 10x a day with bloody diarhea and now with all the stress I was ready to start the puking all over again Anthony had to work late and when he got home he was also in such disbelief. As he had gone with me to every appointment, knew what the doctors said and most of all, he has to deal with this daily. He has to clean the shit up, LITTERALLY, when I am sick. He is the one that has to bring my medications home. He is the one that has to help me to the bathroom when I can no longer walk, hold my hair while I vomit for hours on end, take care of the kids when my fever is so high and I have so much pain the only words I can manage to utter are "God, I hate you, why dont you just kill me now?" Yesterday my world almost ended. After all of this I turned to look at my baby. I thought that if I was to die, who would care for him. Anthony could not work and care for the kids. The only other person that loved them nearly as much as he and I is Tricia. She also suffers fibromylagi and chrons and can no way take on 4 boys. Especially a 1 year old. Yesterday my world almost ended. I looked at my other children and thought they are no where near grown. Sure they would be ok without me, somehow but who would be here to actually raise them and prepare them for the world. My mother has treated me like dog shit on her shoe my entire life. She disowned me after an email fight and I had no idea until my sister told me. I have no other family in this state but my mother and her children. One of her boys is dying from a brain tumor, 1 of them is a heroine addict, 1 of them she has messed in his life so much, he comes to town and will see me and not her. My oldest sister has only come over to drop off her son, never to visit or take the kids. My other sister has never even done that much. There is no other blood relative I have that I actually know in this state or another Anthonys mom loves them but admits she is too old to even take in AJ and deal with a teen. She is also raising yet another great grandchild. She can not possibly take on 4 more. She is almost 70, if she isnt already, and takes care of her 90+ year old mom and a couple of others also. Yesterday my world almost ended. I looked at my children and thought who would raise them. I looked at my husband and thought who would love him. I then looked at myself and said shit happens. I played some music, cried a little more, held my children, thanked my brother for being the only family I had that cared enough to love me AND my children and then I said FUCK IT Yesterday my world almost ended. That was yesterday. Today is a new day cya

May 6, 2007 - Sunday - from myspace

May 6, 2007 - Sunday

4:19 PM - Can family just treat you any old way and its ok? Category: Blogging At once I thought this was ok. Then at other times I feel I shouldnt have to take anyones crap. Then again, I feel you cant change people and thats just how they are. Perfect example is my MIL. She has always talked "rudely" to people. She is one of the most loving people I have met in m y life, but if you didnt know her for years and years and years to find that out, you would think she hates the world Now I am married almost 20 years, 4 kids of my own and been through as much, if not more, in my life then she has. I just dont feel like listening to her rants most times. Yet if I avoid her, then I miss her terribly. On the other hand, when she speaks that way to me, or others ABOUT me, it cuts so deeply I cry I am told to just let it fall off to the wayside, "you know how she is just ignore it" and all sorts of stuff. Yet I just cant ya know. Do you think because someone is your own family they can talk badly to you, about you and just make you look and feel like crap but its ok because thats your family? sigh... http://0wn4g3.info:8282 cya