 | 8:00 AM - The day my world almost ended
Current mood:  sleepy
Category: Blogging The other day I noticed that I hadnt recieved my monthly disability check from my old empoyer. So I called and left a message to find out what happened. As I never missed a check in 12 years
Yesterday a woman called back to say that my benefits had been terminated. That the medical information they had recieved shows that I am able to seek employment elsewhere. This meant that my medical insurance was cancelled for me, and my entired family. This meant that my monthly check was not coming. This meant that as of April 1 we were going without any benefits at all and had no idea of the situation
I had been recieving more bills then usual but I thought it was just some problem with insurance. As I had blue cross and medicare. I was staring at my $3,000 bill for my last rimacade treatment wondering what was going to happen now. Along with all the endless doctors bills. My prescriptions are over $7,000 a month and most are now covered by medicare. Yet it does no good if I cant see a doctor to prescribe me any.
I started to think how could this happen. Each of my doctors had told AT&T several times that I was unable to work, I saw the documents myself. I even saw their independent doctor who first said that he didnt understand why they would even send me to him with the information they already had. Then once he looked at the medication I was taking, he said that alone showed that my ailments were severe enough for me not to work. He stated that he didnt see how I could ever work with my heart alone. My resting heart rate is 110 or more. As soon as I excert myself, I risk heart attack or stroke
All I could think of was this time last year when this woman at AT&T first started harrassing me. She said that AT&T had taken over Ameritech, she was my new disability case manager and she would be sure that my benefits were terminated as she felt that I didnt deserve it. SHE felt this, not the company. She is not medical personell and she is a hired contractor by AT&T whos ONLY job is to try to get as many people off disability as possible. It took her a year, but she legally managed to do it
So now we will be missing $550 a month plus medical benefits for the entire family. Right now I have no idea how we will pay our remaining bills for May or even how we will buy groceries this week. After this hit me yesterday, I did nothing but cry. I cried so long and so hard I think I blacked out.
My brother was here and I thank God he was. If he was not here to care for the kids, they wouldve been on their own. I had totally blanked out and lost hours of time. I was already going to the bathroom up to 10x a day with bloody diarhea and now with all the stress I was ready to start the puking all over again
Anthony had to work late and when he got home he was also in such disbelief. As he had gone with me to every appointment, knew what the doctors said and most of all, he has to deal with this daily. He has to clean the shit up, LITTERALLY, when I am sick. He is the one that has to bring my medications home. He is the one that has to help me to the bathroom when I can no longer walk, hold my hair while I vomit for hours on end, take care of the kids when my fever is so high and I have so much pain the only words I can manage to utter are "God, I hate you, why dont you just kill me now?"
Yesterday my world almost ended. After all of this I turned to look at my baby. I thought that if I was to die, who would care for him. Anthony could not work and care for the kids. The only other person that loved them nearly as much as he and I is Tricia. She also suffers fibromylagi and chrons and can no way take on 4 boys. Especially a 1 year old.
Yesterday my world almost ended. I looked at my other children and thought they are no where near grown. Sure they would be ok without me, somehow but who would be here to actually raise them and prepare them for the world. My mother has treated me like dog shit on her shoe my entire life. She disowned me after an email fight and I had no idea until my sister told me. I have no other family in this state but my mother and her children. One of her boys is dying from a brain tumor, 1 of them is a heroine addict, 1 of them she has messed in his life so much, he comes to town and will see me and not her. My oldest sister has only come over to drop off her son, never to visit or take the kids. My other sister has never even done that much. There is no other blood relative I have that I actually know in this state or another
Anthonys mom loves them but admits she is too old to even take in AJ and deal with a teen. She is also raising yet another great grandchild. She can not possibly take on 4 more. She is almost 70, if she isnt already, and takes care of her 90+ year old mom and a couple of others also.
Yesterday my world almost ended. I looked at my children and thought who would raise them. I looked at my husband and thought who would love him. I then looked at myself and said shit happens. I played some music, cried a little more, held my children, thanked my brother for being the only family I had that cared enough to love me AND my children and then I said FUCK IT
Yesterday my world almost ended. That was yesterday. Today is a new day
cya |
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