So sleepy, so tired, so confused, so much pain, so very much pain

Current mood: exhausted Category: PAIN! Blogging I recently deleted a post I made about family. After thinking about it all, I realized that the reason I was taking things so hard was because of my fibromyalgia. My family did nothing different then they had always done yet I let that one small incident (which by the way, no one even thought about because its been so hectic) turn into a personal attack on myself I had to think. I had been so happy, well most days I am. Yet that day I just felt totally defeated, totally misunderstood, totally unloved by the world. It had nothing to do with anyone. It was just the FMS. My constant companion which I still just can not understand Last night, as always, I did not sleep. When I did sleep I had nightmares of being tortured. I would get up, walk around and try to find a more comfortable position. Of course there is none. With each breath the pain is so great that tears unknowingly and unforseen just stream down my face. 11p...1:30a...5a again. Til hubby is up leaving for work and apologizing again that I didnt sleep. Like its his fault. He just now knows how my day will go I yell from the bed for the boys to awaken as my body just will no longer move. I cry again at feeling like a useless parent for not being able to get up with them or at least have our morning banter to start their day off on a good start. After they leave I spend two hours thinking how I am going to walk down the stairs to lock the door. Finally locking the door, make it back upstairs but now the 2 year old is ready to play. My poor baby. Today I just cant. He looks at me and just cant figure it out. Yesterday we read for an hour, we played Wii, we surfed the web, we learned shapes and sounds and he pointed out all the animals that he saw at the zoo. Now mommy cant move? What did I do wrong? Oh how hard it is to explain to a 2 year old that he did nothing wrong, that mommy is just "broken" today. That I just used every ounce of my being to get him dressed and was in constant prayer about how I would make it back downstairs to even feed him. God answers my prayer. Ajs school called as he has lost his voice and he is coming home. If I can just make it to the door, the baby will be fed and will be ok. Aj walks in the door and begs me to go to bed. My son that came home sick is begging me to just sleep. He says I look so bad and I am swaying and he is afraid. Why must my children suffer so? My rational mind knows this is FMS. This has been my life for as long as I can remember and I should be ok with it. Yet each day I see my children suffer, I see the world go on without me, I see all the things that I was supposed to do and cant I live from the heart. My heart that breaks over and over again. My heart that hasnt been whole since birth. The following I am pasting from someone elses blog. It seems I could not rest until I came here today and now I see why. She has said everything that I have lived. I thank God for her and the rest of you that share. That make me feel so not alone. That give me the strength to continue on Waiting For Daylight Current mood: morose When the world is fast asleep I lay upon my bed wishing I was like the rest. Unable to slumber for all the fear and loneliness that consumes my heart. I think about that day approaching when mortality will take me and all the confusion will be made clear, but too late for me to fix my mistakes. All the years wasted all the words spoken and unspoken all the chances taken and not taken, all the days spent and not lived. I see myself in a place I never thought I'd be, lying on a bed with eyes wide open afraid to close them until daylight for in the daylight nothing can harm me nothing can take me. In the daylight I am safe. Only in the night can the thoughts that lay buried so deep grow larger than life and haunt me frighten me and humble me make me know how truly alone I am in this world in this life. At night it all looms larger the fear is darker the loneliness is greater the pain is stronger my heart is heavier. For all that I have done out of my own inadequacies For all that I have said only wishing afterwards that I could pull back the words spoken For all the imperfection and incompleteness and lacking of understanding For all the lashing out striking out at the world blindly thrashing at those who are within reach, out of the inconsolable pain of my soul I lay upon my bed wishing I was someone else something else someone better Waiting for the daylight to come. ~ Julie  May 21,2008                     Our Radio Stream = www.pumpupthebass.com  You dont need anything special to listen, just tune in to the site at anytime to listen to LIVE Djs, chat and make requests. You might just hear me on! http://www.myspace.com/pumpupthebassradio  http://groups.myspace.com/pumpupthebass http://www.yuwie.com/pumpupthebass/           Upgrade your Wii and other consoles now! Check out how: http://www.upgradeyourconsole.net/