August 16, 2007 - Thursday - from myspace

August 16, 2007 - Thursday

11:01 PM - If not for my family, I would have killed myself Current mood: sleepy Category: Blogging AT&T , after 12 years, and although I am still on state disability has denied my claim for further benefits.So after not having any monetary or medical benefits from at&t since April 1 of this year, they call me two days ago to say that they believe I am well enough to work and will not continue my benefits again. If I want to pursue it further I need to get an attorney and sue them My first thought was let me go OD on something and kill myself. My second thought was we have no life insurance and anthony will be mad if he has to pay for my funeral on top of all that he will have to do when I am gone. So I sat a minute, cried a minute and decided to worry about it later I realized that with my uncle and aunt now in my life, I truly have a real family. Both of them drive, love us very much and make several trips a week to visit and always call. My uncle will stay for days if we need him to My girlfriend Tricia, has reminded me that no matter how I feel and no matter what fights she and I have (no matter which of us started it), we are real sisters. Blood or not, she is the sister the Lord blessed me with and it truly is til death My gf Jan, from Aussie, called me at home a few weeks ago. I have known her years and we talked on the phone just as we do on the pc. Just as if we spoke not 24 hours ago. I have never laid eyes on this woman and I love her just as I do Tricia My mom, my E-MOM, as my friend Mickey would say, has shown me and tells me daily, how much she loves us all. She went shopping with her daughter the other day, saw a coffee mug and said she thought I would like it. She mailed it to me and I had no idea this was all going on. Inside she put a little note that said what I just stated and that she loved me like her OWN DAUGHTER regardless if I was her blood or not. My baby sister, Angie (no blood relation either), sent a HUGE box of things for everyone in our house. She saved her money, got deals on socks and shirts and things and shipped it out. The only other person that has ever done that was my e-mom. These people are my family. I thought I was alone because I have no one I can touch, no one to call, no one in my blood family to call a friend. Well, my little brother of course, is there. That is it. I always thought it wasnt enough based on others peoples lives Now I see. When I held those pills in my hands I did not think of the woman that gave birth to me. Who no longer even speaks to me. I didnt think of the sisters that do not call me or come to my house or call my kids. I did not think of the niece that tells me one day she wants me to raise her children if something were to happen and the next I am not even allowed to see them. No, I thought of none of these people. I thought how Tricia would cry. I thought how mad Jan would be at me. I thought how much my mom would be hurt. I thought how badly I would dissapoint my aunt and uncle. I thought about the brother that I would leave behind who only has me to confide in so often. I thought of their children , of whom I know more about then my own blood. I thought how can I do this? How can I hurt the people that love me? How can I hurt MY FAMILY? I put the pills down, I turned on the music and did my 3p show. I danced with Terry. I laughed with Tyler. I yelled at AJ. I played Taylors requests. I answered Tricias text messages. I emailed Jan and my mom. I called my aunt and my uncle. God gave me a family. My family has saved my life. Yes. If it was not for my family. I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF