 | 11:14 PM - UGH! The pain :(
Current mood:  stressed
Category: Blogging I decided to wean myself off the steroids a couple of weeks ago after being so swollen I spent two days doing nothing but crying. Not really thinking of what I would go through once I was off of them, just knowing that the pain of being on them was just getting to be too much to deal with
Now that the steroids are out of my system it seems, there is an entirely new pain. The pain of my back is so severe I can barely walk. My hip feels like someone took a sledge hammer to it and my knee will hardly bend most days. I forgot how the prednisone help keep that pain to a bearable whine. Now I am in full fledge tears once again
To top it off, without the prednisone, I am now spending much more time on the toilet again. Also if I am not puking, I am just praying to puke and get it over with so I can feel a little relief.
I know its just a matter of time before the colitis is so out of control I am forced back to the prednisone but now I am wondering will I even make it that long. The pain from the fibromyalgia has me dreaming about dying every time I close my eyes now. My fms is in full flare and I know its because my colitis is becoming unmanagle again and its taking my entire body through something awful
If I try to stay positive and think it will get better, just keep those thoughts away, I then dream of my kids dying or just random people I know or dont know dying. I then think they are gone and what peace they must now feel. Only to realize that its just me dying and longing for peace, just in another form in my own dreams.
My uncle says that angels are being put in his path. He knows that it was meant for us to spend so much time together lately so that our families might once again merge and help each other. He calls me one of his angels. Is he mad?
His wife is now into something type of herbal healing and swears that she can help me. The minute she gets back into town she will put me on yet another diet with herbs and I will be healed. She believes this with all her heart and she is one of the few people I have met in my life to love me only for me. Just because I breathe
I so want to believe something will work but when I think of all the years of this pain and how this pain can bring even me to praying not to wake up the next day, I start to lose hope. Yet I know to lose hope is a living death in itself
Myself and my family still have no benefits. I got the results from Taylors MRI last year to read it myself and it did indeed state that he has a 3mm lesion on his brain that could be cancer. It was seen on multiple frames of his MRI scan yet the speciliast said that he saw nothing.
I thought that was such a blessing until I watched Sicko. I saw the very same thing happen to those people and two of them are now dead. Today Taylor suffered another bout of migraines and vomiting. With no insurance there isnt much we can do. If we take him to the emergency room, all we will end up with is a huge bill and a referral to a specialist. Which we can not see because we dont have insurance
I looked into this crap that Bush has provided for our children. The no child left behind bs. OMG. I have to sell my soul just to get the kids coverered and it doesnt appear that even their basic medical needs will be coverered. Their allergy and ashtma medican, physicals...sigh
My physical pain is one which has brought me to my knees. Yet the emotional pain of watching my child suffer, knowing that their future is so bleek and dim, is a pain that I am finding just too hard to deal with. I just dont want to wake up
I am now wondering why I am to suffer. I thought it was so that I might become stronger and be that angel that my uncle speaks of. Now I just think evil runs rampant on this earth and I am just one of those that God has let the devil have.
I was born unloved. I was born into misery. I have spent all my life seaking love and now that I have it, am I to now die alone? With no one truly knowing my pain. With no one truly knowing my love.
GOD I WILL DIE FOR YOU! I will die for so that my children can live. I will die for peace in this world. I will die to end hunger, prejudice, pain. I have suffered a life time but you make it seem so invain. What do you want? How much longer must I suffer?
The pain...the pain....the pain |
No comments:
Post a Comment