I have been putting off this one for many reasons. Mostly because I was ashamed. I am constantly telling people how much they are worth, hang in there, on phone, Internet and email all hours of the night or day if someone is thinking of taking their life and here I was, right on the edge for so very long.
Once I faced the issue, physically I was unable to type without much pain. Mentally I have been unable to think clearly as you can see from previous blogs and Julie thinking I have taken up drinking haha. I finally decided I must just get it out as so many contact me online and off about such stressful things in life. Not just FMS but so much stress and I feel like a fraud telling them how much they are worth while all the while praying I would not wake up tomorrow. I will try to keep it short but you know me.
I am in such pain now for the last 5 years its insane. I think its more with the colitis being out of control for the past 8 years and now the FMS maybe just can no longer be contolled. Either way, I have tried everything I know how. Including going herbal last year, if you remember that. It did NOT turn out too well.
I just gave up and felt the only way for me to find peace and for my family to be happy was to just die. I no longer cared about eternity in heaven. I just could not father another 40 years like the last 40. I felt my entire life sucked from birth. Born unloved and unwanted into a cruel world to live a life of pain. Why stay here?
I have made it my mission to make my boys self sufficient. I started recording Rachel Ray, teaching them to cook, clean, wash clothes and care for the baby. I put them on a strict academic schedule and had planned their schooling out until graduate school. I was trying to just do all I could so they could make it as a family and not count on anyone. As no one has been there for them anyway so why would I think anyone would "rally" once I died.
The only problem was AJ. He was supposed to have his drivers liscence by now and after I knew he was graduating and the baby was in school, I could leave this crappy world and be happy. This boy just refused to take the class. Then he just refused to pass any classes at all. I needed him in college at 9a , so he can drop the baby off at school, be able to pick him and the boys up then he can work part time or take another class 2 nights a week. As I said, I had this totally planned. I researched his classes, professors, costs and everything for almost 3 years.
So one night I am at the computer seeing what I need to do for him. Looking up his classwork online and what not. I was born without patience so I always have something else going while I am waiting for a page to load. That day I think I had myspace open and playing Mafia or something. (I am sure I am not remembering this correctly but it ends the same)
There was a gal that played the same app and maybe she saw FMS in my nick. She messaged me and I just spilled my guts. You know how sometimes it easier to talk to a stranger as they don't know you and you feel you will never see them again. So why not just get it off your chest. That's how I felt. I had no idea who this gal was. She was not one of my regular friends here, not a friend offline and I never saw her before.
The next morning or so when we woke up there was a burning smell throughout the house. We checked everything to find all was ok and couldn't figure it out. Later that day when the boys went to make their beds Taylor noticed a burned spot on his comforter. I was so upset as it was brand new. His first new comforter of his own without holes or anything. I had not paid the water bill for 2 months to get us all new WARM bedding.
While we were trying to figure out what happened I realized it was a burn. I looked around and saw their desklight in the chair. It was half melted. My knees buckled and I began to cry. Fire is one of my worse fears. Not because I am afraid of dying but because it can be so painful. What if you burn alive? What if you live!!??
I knew a girl that got burned in a fire when we were kids. She lived a few days and everyone said the pain was so so bad. She kept requesting to see me and I was afraid. When our teacher finally talked me into going, even said she would go with me, the girl died. I could only think she had been asking for me since the accident and I didnt go. She was in massive pain, she needed me to just be there. Nothing more then to be there, and I was afraid. Afraid I couldnt comfort her. Afraid I would cry after all the adults kept telling me not to, that it would upset her. I WAS LIKE TEN! How was I not to cry???
After that I never wanted another person to hurt. If I didnt feel I could help them, I figured it best that I was jsut not around them at all. If I did try to help, I gave 110%. I took their problems as my own and it began to disrupt my own life. I didnt know how not to feel their pain. If I feel I cant help, or if I am hurting someone, including my family and friends, I would rather just not be around at all. If the heartache hurts this badly, I could not imagine a fire.
When Anthony got home he said he woke to the smell. Who usually smells nothing at all. Even if he is sitting in the kitchen and a pot is burning, he doesnt smell it. He said Taylors cover had fell off his bed. Earlier Tyler had moved the light from his nightstand to the desk. So the cord was stretched across the room. The comforter fell on the light, knocked it to the CARPETTED floor and then covered it up.
The only thing that I was living for, my babies, couldve died. How crazy is that. On top of which for them to die the worse way I can imagine and have feared all my life. I am planning for years to die only to have them die. I just could not think. I just cried. You have no idea how I cried. I cry a lot! My face always looks like someone beat me up. That day I looked like I had an allergic reaction to something.
Now I know I was shown something so powerful. Something I still have not fully understood as its too painful and scary for me to look at. I do know that there is no way I will think about taking my life again ever. I dont care if I live to be 110 I will praise God for every year of it.
We are all born with a thorn in our side. We have no idea what that thorn is. I think mine is just to be in pain. Paul asked 3 times for his thorn to be removed and it was not. I guess I will just have to LIVE with this pain. I am blessed to have it to have me into the person that I am today.
I still play chess with my kids, we take walks when we can, we watch movies, we talk, we laugh, we dance, we sing, we cook, we read...WE LIVE. I just didnt see that. I just saw that we could walk further, we could read 2 books instead of 1, we could play longer if my hands would bend, we could watch more movies if I could just sit up longer. I saw all the negative in everything.
This girl that messaged me I know is my angel. I have had many thoughts before, many down moments. I think Julie has had to clean up many a pity party after I have been so down. Had this girl, Shelly, not talked to me that one night, not taken one moment out her day to not just message a stranger, but to get personal. If she had not done that, I dont think I wouldnt thought the same way.
I hope this all made sense. I hope that it helps someone else. I wish I had known Lisa. If you dont know about her, you should.
Lisas Story http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnqFEeDD_nk EVERYTHING this man says about his wife is how I feel and more. EVERYTHING!
I am going to doctor in 12 hours. I always refuse pain medication as I am afraid of become addicted. Today I am going to get whatever it is that they want me on. I will take it properly and I will pray for relief. I will pray I dont become dependent on any drugs and I will pray for all those I know that have. I simply must address this pain. I refuse to think about taking my life again. I will not give into this pain.
My feet swell, tingle, fall asleep then burn. My hands can hardly close. My fingers ache to just hold a toothbrush. My back feels as though its on fire. My hip burns and aches. My knee is always frozen. My heart pounds so hard that I am exhausted all the time. My stomach cramps all the time. I am nauseas all the time. I wake up at 7a with diarrhea until 1p like clockwork. My chest feels as though someone is squeezing it all the time and I cant get a full breath. I lose my voice at least 3 days a week and its so painful to try to talk. I have a migraine at least 2-4 days a week. My shoulder hurts so badly that I have to give it its own pillow. My skin hurts so badly that I can only lay on very worn bedsheets and wear cotton t-shirts worn with holes. This is just what I can think of from today.
My life is wonderful, just full of pain, I know that now. I am blessed, I am loved, I love and I love life. Thank you
peaceful 
exhausted 
anxious 
