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| Sj smoke is on live and has been for some time. Tune in to see exactly what we mean we say Streaming Jockey and get a taste of what we offer. Continue your experience by clicking on the CHAT button and join us in irc chat to hang out and make requests. We will now be doing live shows Wednesday evenings and all day Saturday and Sunday, one sj after another. We are trying to rebuild after the last station cut backs and hope that you will help. This is our plan, I will put more info on the site when I know for sure Please pass this on to your email list, put the station name in your signature, add our link to your website. All of this takes you only 30 seconds, costs you nothing and you can have the satisfaction to know you helped a friend with something they truly care about. A friend that has always helped you with no questions asked, even if you didn't ask for it (and other forms of guilt here ) haha What can you do to help?
Why would you want to help?
Our Radio Stream = www.pumpupthebass.com You dont need anything special to listen, just tune in to the site at anytime to listen to LIVE Djs, chat and make requests. You might just hear me on! http://www.myspace.com/pumpupthebassradio CHECK THESE OUT!!! | ||||||
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Saturday, August 9, 2008
Help save my radio, PumpUpTheBass.com!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Just spent a week in my head...it was scary!
| Just spent a week in my head...it was scary! I have been so swollen the last week that I could not even type. I could barely walk, the pain has been relentless and still I have no glasses. So when I tried to just read and surf around, it didn't matter as I had migraines from trying to see. I am so happy to know that a few people missed me and asked where I was. It makes me feel as though I matter to someone other then my kids and that is what I want most. To show others even 1/100th the love I have for them. As I so do love you too. I love this world, I love everyone on it and I think people are the most fascinating things I have ever seen. Well that's where I have been, just sick sick sick and in pain. I admit I told my doc last week or so that I wanted to kill myself and wanted to be commited to the hospital. He seems to also think the pain is just getting to me at times, maybe seeing a shrink will help but he will not give me anything for depression as I don't show other signs of clinical depression. Just a person in pain with no medical or family help. So phuck it, I quit trying to convince myself to take myself and told my self..self, deal with this sh8t like you always have. You were going to be a shrink, you are everyone elses shrink so deal with it. Hehehe So I did You know I often say that if you are not learning or growing you are really just wasting space. Well I had nothing to do this last week but learn and grow haha. I was left alone with my kids and just my brain. TRUST me its not a good thing to spend too much time inside my head haha I did look back on all the things that was pissing me off the last few months. Then I looked again at all the things I was told by my older, much wiser, experienced friends. I thought about what was said and I truly understood, I always have. What I didn't understand was how hard it was to actually practice these things. This was hard Example I spend a whole 2 weeks or being mad at my sister for not calling me after she got her mothers day gift. We are 1 day apart and she knows me almost as well as I know myself (ok that might not be good to say) haha. I thought for sure she would talk crap about me giving her a journal and my sappy love songs hehe. Then I find out that she never got it. Not only did she never get it, her mom never told her anything about it at all. She didn't even give it to her when she came to visit. I am sure she forgot by then thought That taught me, again, that just as that small thing was important to me. How much I was looking forward to her joking and what not about it, not even asking about anyone else I gave one to, just her, that no one even on the same page. Her mom totally forgot to send it with all her drama going on, my sister knew nothing about it and I didn't want to ask about it as I was thinking she got it and just didn't like it cause it was a journal and not "her style". I took this lesson and used it the last couple of days. I spoke to my gf whom I was so upset about not getting the boys all summer that it truly was hard for me to talk to her and not be angry. Then I had to realize just as I use all my energy to deal with what I can, which is my kids and hubby, she does the same. She also has fms and chrons and if she is out at a party, its a family function. She does it, then pays for it just as I do. She doesn't always have enough of herself to do what she wants with her kids, her family and friends and I know that. On top of which I know some of her drama and the stress has been so hard on her. I believe that only God is getting her through it as her family has truly not been there for her. I knew for years yet I lumped her in with everything else. I was just so angry at everyone my kids mentioned and loved and wanted to see. I am sick of them saying how they want to see their grandmother yet she is always too sick for them but the entire neighborhood can move in. How my little one keeps saying his Te Te gonna come pick him up in her car, he needs his shoes and she is not even thinking of him. Living only 20 minutes away but cant spend an hour to take him to get an ice cream once a month. Yet can live in the city. Yes, I know, I was wrong, so wrong to assume others loved me kids like that, would do anything for them, want to spend time with them, want them happy or all the things I feel. I know they have their own kids, friends and family to think about. I just cant help it. They are my kids! Yet I wasn't thinking that everyone else truly does have their own drama. No matter how large or small, its THEIR drama and important to THEM and must be dealt with That, I found out, was a huge, huge part of me not wanting to talk to any of them. I really found it hard to be happy for anyone else or give a dam about what they did with their kids when no one bothered to call me or my kids for almost 3 months and say on their way to Great America, they would stop and just watch a cartoon with mine. They would take mine to the Mc Donalds down the street for a burger. They would take mine to the pond, skip rocks and talk to them about their dreams for the next hour. They would even pick up the phone and say HELLO to my kids. Not just pick up the phone to ask me for computer help, tell me what their boyfriend didnt do, what was going on with their son or the best one yet...Not call me in I dont know how many years, or my kids but then call me because someone not related to me has gone to jail and I need to get in touch with his brother. THAT is what threw me over the edge. That someone in my family would feel this boy was more important then me or my kids. Then I had the breakthrough! (ready, cause this is all rambled adn jumbled. Told you it was scary!) I NEEDED TO DO ALL THESE THINGS and it didnt matter abut anyone else. I know this too but your kids dont know this. They are just too young still but I know that too. So yesterday evening I made coffee, put my flip flops on and said we are going for a walk. The boys got on their bikes, Terry got his weapon (a stick) and we headed off. The boys riding in circles keeping up with us, Terry asking questions about everything and killing the rocks and trees with his weapon. Talking about this and that, ya know. We only made it about 3/4 a block and I could barely move. We thought about calling anthony to come get me but I knew the kids loved this. We used to take walks and talk since they could walk. It was one of our best moments. So we rested a moment, talked about all the great houses around us, looked in their yards, at their pools, etc and shared our dreams. Then we headed back. The same, slow pace but we got there. After we made it back, I told them to take Terry one more time, a full block but no one wanted to go. The thrill was going with mom, talking, laughing, stopping, dancing in the street and me embarrassing them, playing freeze with terry, etc. THAT IS WHAT THEY WILL REMEMBER Again, this is something I have always known. This is something I even teach my kids. Still, is so freaking hard to remember all this stuff, live all this stuff, not to just react to things, to pull out all those Paushe and Tolle lessons. To go back through my bible and other such teachings such as my Ghandi readings. To sift through the years and years of information bestoyed upon me by those that have already been there, done that and cared enough to pass it on to me. ITS JUST SO HARD TO DO THAT IN THE MOMENT. Thats why those men write books and we read them. hahahaha So I am good, for now. Until the next thing hits me today and totally throws me off balance and I react instead of thinking like Ghandi and Jesus and Tolle haha. Ya know what though? Thats ok. I wont beat myself up for that, for not being perfect because I am not going to go walk on water today. I cant do that. I am going to go make lousy coffee as usual, yell at my kids way too much, cry and apologize way too often and still be the loud, silly, opinionated, uncouth and often evil b8tch that I am. You can take it or leave it but its all I got to offer. Our Radio Stream = www.pumpupthebass.com You dont need anything special to listen, just tune in to the site at anytime to listen to LIVE Djs, chat and make requests. You might just hear me on! http://www.myspace.com/pumpupthebassradio CHECK THESE OUT!!! | ||||||
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exhausted
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