11:47 PM - Can not take the silence!
Current mood: 
sleepy
Category: Blogging
You ever feel that if you just sat too still and let it get just too quiet you would be forced to think just too much and have to deal with it all? That in that stillness your mind would crack?
I have been feeling that way lately. I just can not let anything get too quiet and allow my mind to actually think about any fully. Then I will have to confront reality and I just dont think I can
What I would do is leave the TV loud when possible, just low enough that I can hear the kids to be sure they are ok. At night is no problem with Anthony snoring like a tornado is over my head. During the day I would play music, whether I am DJing or not. I would just play and play and play.
Now so much is at a head, I am almost being forced to deal with it all and I just really dont want to. Yet there is no where to turn. I tried turning the music up as loud as it would go but then I become so one with the music, the tears just stream. I never knew that, even in a head banging rock song, your spirit can be so moved that it speaks
My mother has disowned me over an email where I confronted her with the past which. She is so eager to "leave the past in the past" and feels everyone should be so forgiving, yet she treats my children like trash. I was very content to, again, just pretend the woman was dead I have much of my life. The three youngest think nothing of her as she has made no effort all of their lives to acknowledge their existence. But Aj, he is 15 now. He says this woman had sent him yet another card that started off great, and as usual, went to things like "I hope you stop being so lazy" or something. He recieved the card right before Easter, and says that she didnt say Happy Easter to him or invite him over for easter.
He goes on to say that Tyler and Taylor can now read and she sent them nothing. Like they are dead. It just totally broke him down to know that Terry is pure love and joy and his grandmother has never even asked how he was.
I have never let my children know that I dislike their grandmother. I love her as I have not found a way not to yet. I have never liked her as a person as most that get to know her well. Yet for my children to feel such pain. I dont know how to manage it. I just wish it was a way for her to just dissapear and cause them no more pain
I told my son not to worry as he had plenty of other people that loved him. My son went on and on about the 15 years of his life and how his grandmother treated him so differently from the other grandkids. Citing one incodent after another. I tried to confort him and tell him that people are just as they are. You have to accept the good with the bad.
AJ looked at me and I knew exactly what he was feeling. He was feeling that same pain I did when I was 11 and I realized that all the times she told me she wished I was dead, she really meant it. That that woman didnt care about me from birth, as she stated so many times. Now continues the pain to my children
I felt so bad for him. I told him to just forget her and concentrate on the rest of the family. His aunt, uncles and cousins. He made a great effort to have a relationship with them yet the only one that cared about him was one cousin. Joe has always loved them. He was the only one in my family excited about Terry. He was there right after, if not when, I brought every child home. He has been my brother from birth.
I told AJ that was enough. That Darius and Joe were enough, some people didnt have that. He seemed very happy until Carla broke yet another promise to him. My son cried like an infant. It was the first time I had seen him cry that long and hard and hurt since he was about 2 years old. To watch my 6 2, 350lb son cry like an infant ripped my heart out. To think about it even now brings instand tears to my cheecks
This just really is weird to me as my children are as I am. As my brother Joe says "Dee is one special mother phucka. She is always thinking of someone else" TRUST me I wish I were not like this, I have tried not to be. Not only was I cursed with such love, I passed it to my children. I thought it was what He wanted. I felt that was what He was telling me to do since I was 3 years old. Love the world. Be ready to give my life for others as He gave his life for me
Now because I am what I am, my children are too. They so love the world. They, as I, dont understand arguing with no point to it, fighting, war, hate, true angry, evil. These are things my children just do not comprehend. Even AJ at 15 years old. At once I thought life had beaten out of him all that God had made him. I watched him go from laying hands and praying for someone with a cold to trying to kill a kitten. In his soul, in his heart, my love is not enough any longer. His dads love is not enough. He cant understand why the WORLD does not love him. I had no answer for my baby
I just can not deal with that family crap any more. So I drown it out into the music. Into the the tv. Into the noise. This was great for awhile until it just wasnt enough. It just was no longer enough
Now everything seems to just be too much. I can deal with myself. Its just when the children are involved, I just can not manage it. I dont know how to stop their pain. As any true parent, I would die for them. I would sell my soul for their happiness and well being. God entrusted me with them and I feel I am letting Him down and letting them down
The music is no longer enough. No insurance, no money, bad health, losing friends and family...all was ok. My kids not happy, my kids not having basic things they need, my kids loving people that dont give a crap about them, my kids not being able to get medical attention, my kids being old enough to know they are poor, my kids looking at me for answers as to "why me".
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