Not enough hours in the day? Pfft Thre are too many!

When you have a chronic illness it seems as though the amount of hours in one day is the biggest problem to deal with. Sometimes its not enough, other times it just way too many I know that I will never have the life I had 10 years ago. Although it was pretty crappy then, 4 kids later and the toll carrying them, having them, raising them and the fact that i have aged makes that life look pretty good I think how I have to set my clock at least 10-20 minutes before I have to wake up the kids. Thats because I am never sure how long, if at all, it will take me to get out the bed. I think of the techniques I learned in physical and occupational therapy. How to roll out the bed. Then 14 minutes later I end up just finally yelling. "Tyler! Taylor! Time to get up!!!" I hate yelling at them. I hate for a child to be startled out of sleep. Yet, after a lifetime of it, they are no longer startled. It just still pains me and add more guilt to my load Now they have 1 hour to get ready for school. Yes, 1 hour because I never know how I am going to be. If I will be tying up their bathroom from my colitis or the ibs that comes along with fms. If I am going to be puking from pain or just puking because my body is just being stupid today. i just never know Now they are off to school. If I am just quiet enough, the baby will not waken. Yet after yelling to get them up for school and the 5 trips in 45 minutes to the toilet, he awakens. He is 2 years old and so you know what that entails Yet, I am unable to even walk down the stairs yet. So I make him some instant oatmeal that I keep upstairs for these situations. I make me some coffee from the coffe pot that has long since left the kitchen counter and now sits on my bathroom counter. I get the "mommy and me" box (it used to be a basket but he tore that up long ago) and think how we will busy ourselves today After watching Dora, singing, reading books, coloring, telling stories, fighting the monsters under the bed, I am thinking it must be almost noon and time for his nap. Nope, its just 10:30a. Lord please help me today. I know I ask this every day but you know I have no one to help me today and I must take care of this child How familiar are those words? Finally, somehow, God allows me to make it until 1p and he is getting sleepy. I put on Dora ( dont judge me, you know daggone well your kids grew up on Barney just as you grew up with sesame street) and hope its a good one today. I make coffee and sit in my chair. I tell myself I will do some email while he watches tv but yet all I manage to do is hold back the tears Finally 2p and he is sleeping. I feel something tingling on my face and realize its tears. Tears streaming that I have been holding back all day. I had no idea they were there. I am just totally unaware anymore. So I get up to wipe my face and think of the 100 things I need to get done while he is sleeping. Yet all I manage to do is crawl in bed beside him Sleep? No, just to rest. My body feels as though I got hit by a truck today. As it did yesterday and the day before. My joints are so cold I am under 3 blankets trying to keep warm while the entire time I am sweating. I plan in my head the things I will do for the 2nd half of the day. I think I can just write it down. Then I remember I cant write. My hands will not do that anymore. I can type though. If I can just get up to the pc, I can make a great list! Get to pc..yeah right Now I decide I will just read. I have so much to catch up on. Yet I cant concentrate on one line. The fibro fog is bad today. Or maybe if I can just stop the tears I can see. Maybe if I change to another book. Just something to entertain myself, no thinking. Yeah, thats it. Yet I cant remember what page I left off. When I finally find it, I cant remember what I already read. Or how long ago I read it Now the tears are feeling hot on my face. Tears of guilt from not being able to be a good mom. Tears of fear thinking I will lay here and die and no one will be here for my son. Fears that my life will always be like this. Tears and more tears Just as I start to doze off, AJ comes home. Now I struggle to get myself together. I ask him to watch the baby while I go to shower. This is NOT a daily occurance. Usually I get my towel and think about the shower. Still I tell myself every day, when the baby naps, you will shower. Only God knows if I actually will or not. This day, I make it to the bathroom only to puke and crawl back to bed Please it has to be almost over by now. Nope, its now almost 4p. The baby is up and Tyler and Taylor are home from school "Mommy! Hi mommy, I love you, I miss you. Guess what? Today we had pizza at lunch. Then in English...." I try to smile, to grin, to laugh at their stories. I love how Terry jumps all over them like he hasnt seen them in a week. After I cant take anymore of their excitement, I tell them to get their afterschool snack and take their brother with them. Now more tears. Did they notice I could hardly pay attention to their stories? Am I going to remember what happened at English when he asks me what I thought? Who is his teacher again? Somehow we make it through homework and its their playtime before dinner. Dinner? Crap, what will we have. Oh yeah, Anthony is home today. There is a God! Now I just have to think about showers and getting them ready for tomorrow I try email again. Yet I can hardly think. I read only those with pictures that I can laugh at and forget about my problems. I look at all those emails that I havent read and answered yet. I think will they still be my friends after taking a week to reply? More tears... FINALLY 8p!! Oh how guilty I feel yet I know its at least 2 of their bedtimes. They didnt get home until almost 4p. Yet I hardly remember how we got to this moment. While they head to bed, its time to try to get Terry settled. A bath will usually do it yet I cant bend over. I shouldve put him in the bath with Taylor again, darnit. "AJ! BED TIME!" 11pm and he finally heads to bed. He has to get up at 6a for school. I should change his bedtime back to 9p. Maybe he will actually get IN the bed by 10p. More "bad parent" tears. My son has been home since 3p, its now 11p and how many words did we speak today? Did we speak today? I dont remember anything other then him coming home. Yet I know we had to talk. I ask him about his homework every day. Hmmm Finally everyone is asleep. 11p and I lay back in bed and reflect on the day. The bills I didnt get done, the tax lady I didnt call, the phone calls I didnt return, the books I didnt read to Terry, the movie I didnt watch with Tyler, the picture I didnt play with Taylor, the videos AJ loaded on my pc screen that I didnt watch yet. Yup, more tears So Anthony tells me to try to sleep. I am probably worn out from the one room I cleaned the other day and the 5 loads of the 10 loads of laundry we have. The doctor did say that if I push myself, I make the pain worse and I only ahve myself to blame for it now reacting to that. What a joke haha So I try to soothe myself. To think, yes, you made it through another day. It was not enough hours to do anything yet my goodness, it took forever to get to this moment. Now I feel guilty AGAIN! For beating myself up. Will this ever end? I turn over and close my eyes. 11:56p Anthony snoring so loud he wakes me and the baby. I get him back to sleep but he is too loud for me. I dare not try to sleep on the couch again. Last time I couldnt walk for 2 days. I turn on the tv and try to drown him out. 2:22a I am still awake and wishing now he would leave me for another woman so I can sleep. 3:46a and I jump out of bed running to the bathroom. Thank goodness I made it this time. Oh, I was asleep too, daggit. How long did I get this time? Ok, back to bed. Now I cant sleep cause everything hurts from getting  up so fast and running to the bathroom. 5a "Babe, try to sleep. I heard you up last night. I will come right home ok. Just hang in there" Heard me up? Pfft You heard nothing but your own self snoring! Dont get mad at him. Its not his fault you are in pain and didnt sleep again. Just try to rest, just try to rest 6a. Aj is up. I hear everything. Not only cause I have mothers ear still but because I dont know what real sleep is "Bye mommy, have a good day!" Why does he yell up here every morning. I could be sleeping! Then again he is 16. He knows by now I never sleep. Yet I gotta try 7:20a and the clock is buzzing. Oh wow. I mustve dozed off. Oh well, time to wake the boys. I think of the techniques I learned in physical and occupational therapy. How to roll out the bed. Then 14 minutes later I end up just finally yelling. "Tyler! Taylor! Time to get up!!!"